By Marvin Wolf OP/ED
It’s getting crazier across the Hudson. Mayor Bloomberg has decided smoking is bad for you, sugary drinks are bad for you, and now baby formula is bad for you. I guess baby formula is the wrong kind of sugary drink.
Bloomberg is asking hospitals to lock up the baby formula next to the penicillin, tetracycline, methadone and other drugs. What will result from a baby formula prohibition? Probably the same thing that happened with regular Prohibition. Black market, baby.
We’ll soon be smuggling in infant formula from Jersey City across the Lincoln Tunnel. Maybe we’ll disguise it in alcohol bottles. No Mayor, that’s not Similac, it’s just Smirnoff. Newark commuters may have to take a lactation test before taking the PATH train.
Until 1935, you weren’t allowed to sell regular milk from out of state either - something about the state dairy lobby. New York responded with restrictive licensing which didn’t really end until around 1987. That’s why New Yorkers can drink New Jersey milk.
Why is the Mayor coo-coo for momma’s milk? According to statesymbolusa.org, milk was designated the state beverage in 1981. We are the United States’ third largest dairy producer. Maybe with all the new breast milk, we may become number one.
Strangely, there was no specific New York law preventing the sale of breast milk in cheese form. I guess no one thought of it until David Angerer tried it in 2010. However, the Health Department said it violated their general health laws, including one on selling human tissues, which put an end to that adventure; plus, it really angered Hannibal Lechter.
New York already allows women to breastfeed in public. But you’re not allowed to sell breast milk. That has created a massive but secret internet black market in the nipple juice. Mum’s the word.
Bloomberg is calling the new program “Latch On, NYC.” I guess that sounds better than “Mike Bloomberg - Tyrant.” Next election, the opposition motto should be “Catch on, NYC” to what a control freak the mayor is. Mark my words, in a year, he’ll try to pass a local ordinance that says if you don’t breast feed your kids, it’s child abuse and he’ll try to take them away from you. Don’t believe me? Look what he’s done with cigarettes and soft drinks. The guy is nuts about what goes in or out of your body. You see how he goes after guns - wait and see how hard he goes after your breasts.
I wonder if he’ll hit the ceiling when he finds out that they are developing genetically modified cows that can produce human breast milk. What an ad campaign that would be “I can’t believe it’s not udder.”
Let’s see now. He’s trying to take over your lungs, your stomach, your breasts - and I suppose the next one has to be your ovaries or other sexual equipment. I think that next he’s going to go after masturbation. He’ll probably claim he’s just trying to prevent blindness.
Catch on, New York. He’s a real boob.
Marvin Wolf is a satirical columnist for Local Talk.